Reflections from years past

(Dedicated to the many women who have endured the pain and suffering of abuse )

So I was looking through some of my poetry work and came across these poems that were written back when the life I led for years was full of despair, sadness, tears and hurt from the physical and verbal abuse I suffered...it simply amazes me to be reminded of where I came from. God has definitely had his hand on me throughout my life in areas where I should have given up...but God had different plans for me.  The God I serve and love is a God of unrelenting love...the God I serve is a God who loves me unconditionally despite my many  many scars...

So I will be honest in telling you that I am feeling so drained mentally, emotionally, and physically right now. I am now emotionally fighting a battle of giving into God's will and allowing him to heal the broken areas of my life and restore the true joy taken from me by what I endured. Yes I have been abused both physically and verbally I am not shamed of what I went through because it made me a stronger person today.  I am not a victim any longer but a VICTOR knowing God has given me the strength to move forward.  In my personal recovery work that I have been pursuing over the last 4 years I have come to understand the long term effects of being physically and verbally abused on a consistent basis and have made healthier choices in friends and in relationships.  I thank God everyday for giving me the tools I needed to live a life of joy not pain and one of hope not despair. And though I was recently reminded  through these poems where I have come from and a sadness came over me I did find a blessing and that is this that I AM MOVING FORWARD a stronger woman now because of the pain I endured so long ago. Reading these poems was a great reminder that God has blessed me with so much over the years since I learned to trust him more with every aspect of my life.  He has sent people in my life to be there to encourage me and  with all the busyness lately it has been easy to forget where I have been brought from ...all I had to do was stop, be reminded of many blessings he has given me and remember he is ALWAYS by my side..I am thankful everyday that God delivered me from the pain of a broken life...

My hope if you are reading this is you know my heart for you is too see you healed God's way for the joy in your life to be restored, HIS JOY....to know that you are loved and cherished by A God  who loves unconditionally despite your scars..You are loved and cherished by him as daughters of the MOST HIGH KING! I hope you remember that and know that I will always be praying for you....


God is good.....ALL the time!

Blessings!


Drowning…

The anger raged within him. . .
His heart full of hatred for life
hatred for love. . ..
hatred for me. . ..
His anger like a tortuous sea
forgiving nothing
devastating everything. . .
devastating me. . .. . .
His lashes of anger like
the waves beating endlessly against
an already destroyed vessel
destroying my heart. . ...
I can no longer calm the waves
I can no longer stop the storm
I can only live with it
and hope I survive. . .. . .

 

Letting Go

I don't know how to let go...
Better yet, I don't want to let go
But you have given me no choice...
I used to be someone who knew of herself...
Someone who would never loose herself
I used to be someone who had direction in her life
Someone who knew when she had to fight
I used to be someone who knew how to love
Someone who learned when it was time to give up...
That someone is now gone who I once knew to be
Because understand this, you are drowning me...
I lost myself in you
Trying to make sure you knew "I loved you"
I lost my way, my sense of direction
Trying to make sure your life was perfection
I lost my strength in knowing when to fight
Because I am so exhausted trying to give you sight
Don't you see?
I have no choice but to let you go
Because if I don't you will drown me

Who is your Moses?

Have you ever just felt stuck? Like you weren’t moving forward in the things in your life?? Have you ever felt that there was something that was holding you back from experiencing the true joy of life? Let me tell you I have. And as I thought, questioned, and prayed about why I felt stuck over the past few months it didn’t come to me until just recently that there was such a story in the bible of a people stuck in slavery for 430 years, yes you heard me 430 years!!! Can you imagine? Generations upon generations stuck doing the same routine. These people you ask? The People of Israel. For years they served the Egyptians, building their temples, statues, being slaves to something that only hindered them from moving forward in life that kept them stuck to the same thing that kept them from experiencing a life beyond the walls of captivity. Can you imagine what they were thinking? “When are we going to ever be free from these walls of captivity? When?

If you wonder why I brought up this story in particular let me first take you back to a story of a man named Moses, born a Hebrew, found by the Pharaohs daughter in the Nile River, made son of Pharaohs’ daughter, eventually being used by God to deliver his people from 430 years of slavery but not before Moses wrestled with the Lord himself about self doubt and the questions of what ifs? But even with his self doubt God still used Moses to set his people free, so now let’s go back to my first question. Have you ever felt stuck? Like you weren’t moving forward? Have you kept trying and doing the same thing but expecting a different result? That is defined as INSANITY!! If often take a drastic change in routine, in your day to day hum drum for you to get a different result and sometimes actually 95% of the time it takes a “Moses” in our lives to lead us out of captivity. Let me explain. Have you ever needed advice on something? What do you do when you can’t figure things out on your own you usually go to a person for “ advice right? Why? Because they know you, they know what you like or dislike and what your expectation are of things, you know if you ever needed them they would go to “bat” for you and walk with you in difficult circumstances. Well take a look at what Moses did for God’s people, on their behalf he went to Pharaoh going to bat for them and their freedom, he was in constant contact with God even in his self doubt he still forged ahead doing God’s will that eventually set God’s people free. You see the correlation?? We often especially in difficult situations try for a while to carry our own load, we try to solve things on our own only to find out after going “insane” for a bit you do need the help. Often it takes a “Moses” in our lives that’s in constant contact with God, that goes to bat for you in prayer, that knows your deepest secrets, you deepest hurts to help you out of the insanity and the captivity of being stuck in the same situation.

I have had “Moses” in my life in fact many of them, they are people that God continues to place in my life to help me stay on my road to freedom from anything hindering my relationship with him, they are people willing to go to bat for me when I don’t have the words or strength to. They pray for me and guide me, as God sets me free from the things in my life that hinder me and when I go through situations where I am afraid of drowning just like Moses led God’s freed people across the Red Sea even in their fear. Whether they are in my life today or not I am thankful for their presence, for their insight and especially for their guidance and prayer in difficult times. God has shown me through using the example of what Moses was to his people and how instrumental he was is setting his people free that I am not stuck and that he is setting me free one step at a time sometimes one moment at a time as long as I pay attention to the “Moses” and for that I am eternally grateful.

So if you ever feel stuck doing the same thing or feel bound by sin take a deep breath and look around at the people in your life and ask yourself...Who is my Moses?

My Conversation with God...(Revisited)

October 26, 2010- I never knew why God put this on my heart to share a couple years ago but it seems this is perfect timing for me...let me be honest as I read this tears came to my eyes because where I was then and where I am now is simply amazing, God has brought me from a place of despair and loneliness to a place where the desperation has turned to a desperate heart for him and his love.

For those of you who have come through a storm or are in the midst of one I want to ensure that our God the one we serve and long for relationship with daily is a God that loves us and hurts when his children hurt, that cries when his children cry. If you don't feel God right now as you are walking through the storm just stop and listen, he is calling out to you, In Matthew 11:28-30 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”.

I pray that as you read this you can feel the love shown to me that one morning as God met me in a desperate moment...Let go as I did that one morning a few years ago, let him heal the pain you feel from a broken heart, let him fill the loneliness and despair you may be feeling, let him comfort you in your times of uncertainty. Stop running, stop trying to do it on your own, just let go and let God...Blessings.

This is the conversation I had with God while out one crisp morning in the Philippines. What follows is what I felt prompted to write about after my talk with God...

Lord I come to you with so much pain, so much regret, so much hurt desperately seeking your face. With tears I am calling on your name I have so much hurt Lord, so much pain and I just want it to stop. I just want it to go away. Lord I have turned away from you so many times when all you wanted me to do was love you wholeheartedly and to seek your will for my life. Lord please forgive me for I have been blinded by my desires, blinded by my need to do everything myself. I want to run Lord; I don't want to deal with this…I just want to run. It would so much easier to….Lord…I am hurting more than anyone can see, more than anyone knows, how do I make it stop? I just want to run, I just want to turn away, Lord give me the strength to keep moving forward and not to turn back into that which tempts me. Lord, help me to keep my eyes on you for you have promised to never leave me nor forsake me. Lord comfort me in this time, give me peace in the midst of this storm. I am crying out to you Lord….Lord do you hear me? Lord, do you see me? Here I am Lord….what do I do, how do I make it stop? How do I move forward from that which once drowned my soul? How do I let go of these desires Lord and seek your will for my life? Lord I am seeking you….

Stop running. Just stop. Do you not feel me? Do you not see my outstretched hand? I am here for you my child. I am here for you to lean on. I am here to love you. Do you not hear me? Just stop running. Just stop. Let me be that comfort for you in the middle of a restless night. As the tears of hurt and pain soak your pillow every night let me dry those tears, let me put my arms around you to comfort you. Let me be that peace for you in the midst of a storm. Do you not believe in my word? For I have told you I will make your sins as white as snow. So just let go of them, I have forgiven you my child. I will give you the peace you seek if you just be still. Just stop. Stop trying to fix everything yourself, stop your worrying for tomorrow is always another day. Cast your cares upon me, I will never let you fail. My Child, my dear child I am here just know that in the midst of your pain, in the midst of your confusion, in the midst of the storm, I will give you peace. Just trust me to guide you not in the world, not in Man. I will be that comfort you so desperately seek; I will be the rock when things are wavering, when things are crumbling around you. Seek me my child and you will find me in the loneliest corner of your heart, in the deepest part of your soul. Just stop my child. Just stop trying to be someone you are not for I have called you to be something greater. Stop struggling. Stop Running. Just stop and let me love you. You are my daughter and I will take care of you, I have you in the palm of my hand and will never let you go, just trust me. I will be there to lift you when you fall I will be there when you have cried your last tear. I will be there to help you understand that I am building you up through the pain. I am here to just help you to understand that I just plain love you. If you seek me you will find me and I promise I will restore you. Listen to me my child for you know my voice just trust me I will restore you.

There was a time in my life where I just felt numb to the things of God, where I felt so far from him because I knew where I was in my life is NOT where God needed me to be, not where God called me to be and so through a gut wrenching event I came to my knees and cried out to the one that knew the emptiness of my heart that knew the deep pain I felt....I pray that as you read my conversation with God that you understand this one thing: NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN YOUR WALK WITH HIM...GOD WILL ALWAYS BE THERE....for our God is a God of unconditional love, a God of truth, a God of mercy...I pray that as you read this whatever you may be walking through, whatever may be coming against you that you understand that we are in the midst of a battle for souls. Focus on God and what he has done for your life and know that it says in his word that his plans for you are not to harm you but to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11-14) Just seek him and you will find him in the midst of whatever you are walking through.

Learning to Surrender

How do you say goodbye? How do you let go of the one thing you know you just need to walk away from even if it feels comfortable because you have been it in for so long? How do you find the strength to leave? Time and time again I have seen too many situations even in my own life where people have come to that same crossroads financially, physically, emotionally and even mentally  in life, dancing around the same subject of making that decision to just LET GO, knowing that the time has come for decisions to be made, where change in either a friendship, relationship, or job situation HAS to take place in order for you to move on and fulfill your God given purpose. I know we have all been there where we come to a point in our life where we have to do what is right and what is good for our soul, our heart and for our own lives.

In my walk with God, I have recently and “painfully” come to many of these crossroads where decisions had to be made for the sake of moving forward with God and finding peace in my life. Some decisions have been easy as a snap of a finger and some, let me tell you, have proven to be very difficult and to be honest still continue to be very difficult. Lately, I have found myself questioning God’s plan for my life and what it meant I had to completely let go of whether it be a friend you just can’t seem to let go of or walk away from or whether it be a relationship that you know in the long run is “detrimental to your sanity” as people would say. Recently, in my quest to find my way with God I have come to a very difficult crossroads where a decision had to be made where there was no dancing around the subject, not anymore because this time I knew that it was time, time to let go of that which held me back and away from God for so long. I just had to let go, I knew I had to let go I just didn’t know how or where I would find the strength. I mean c’mon lets be honest, often it’s the not wanting to experience the loneliness, the pain, or the uncomfortable feeling that rears its ugly head when the decision of walking away from a detrimental relationship or situation comes about. I mean it is human nature to want to be happy and it is neither your destiny nor purpose to walk around feeling angry, hurt, sad, or depressed. God never called you to a life of sadness nor did he call you to a life bound by sin. There is freedom in walking upright and surrendering your life to God, letting him make the decisions for you, letting him have complete control of your life, directing your paths. But I will be honest no one said it was ever going to be easy. God had promised us that he will make the crooked paths straight as long as you trust in him in everything you do. I mean did you hear that? It clearly states that HE not YOU or I will make our crooked paths straight but him, the one who designed you, the one who knew you before you were designed in your mothers womb.

And still with all this being said the question remains, how do I find the strength to let go? How do I get past the fear of being alone and not being able to handle the hurt when I do decide to do what’s right and finally once and for all just walk away? The answer you may ask? Well here it is in two simple but complicated words. You surrender. No, not give in to the pressures of staying in this relationship/situation because it feels right (even though everything in you is telling you its not) but give in to God’s will for your life. It has promised in the bible that God will never give you more than you can handle, but in order for your crooked paths to be made straight you need to surrender EVERYTHING to God all the hurt, all the fear, all the loneliness, all the anger that this relationship/situation may have caused you unbeknownst to the party involved. You just have to let it go, let the situation go, let the person go, walk away from that which you know is drowning you in a sea of sin, in a sea of bitterness, in a sea of uncertainty and hurt. Just LET IT GO and trust that the one who made you, the one who knew you before you were formed in your mother’s womb, the one who knows every piece of hair on your head, will bring you through it. Don’t get me wrong I myself am going through and have gone through times where a very hard decision had to be made and I myself have come to the same crossroads over and over again, asking myself the same questions. How do I let go? Where will I find the strength to say enough is enough? How can I give it all to him and trust that he will bring me through it. All it takes is these two words. I surrender. And then you give everything to him and I mean EVERYTHING, turn around and walk the other way. God will take care of the rest, he will be the one to direct your paths and though you may step into a storm at first, there is always the rainbow of God’s promise after the rain has subsided that I can promise you because he has done it for me in every situation I have surrendered to him. Yes, there are still relationships/friendships/situations in my life that I still want to have control of but little by little as I begin to understand God’s character and his promises for me by reading God’s love letter to me, his word, I find the strength to walk away one step at a time day by day and so will you…..

Advice from the Heart..

In a world where split second decisions are often made based on what we think is the best for our lives in that moment, it is also often that without the right advice these split second decisions can prove to be very harmful, especially in cases where these decisions can have the potential to bring about a significant change in your life. I mean think about it how many times a day do you come across moments where split second decisions have to be made and how many times in those moments do you stop to think about that decision? I know in my own life I have often made choices that were made in the moment to find out later that these choices especially bad ones can have serious repercussions on my life, on those around me that are dear to my heart, and most of all on my relationship with God. Every decision I have made that causes me to step out of God’s plans for my life has proven time and time again to bring about confusion and “disaster” in my life.

If you look around in today’s society and even in our own lives there are people out there to help us make the best decisions for our lives. In the world of finances, we have financial planners to “advise” us on how to navigate through the treacherous forest of investments, retirement plans and saving money. In the world of health, we have doctors and nurses to “advise” us make best decision for the state of our health, whether you are battling a chronic ailment or whether you just need guidance on how to continually stay healthy. In the world of retail, we have people put in place to “advise” you make to the best decision in buying a car, house, or even small things such as clothing. Look around you, in every situation you come across there are people in your life to “advise” you in making decisions for just about everything. But did you ever stop to ask your self this question, “Do these people that I encounter in every decision making moment have my best interest at heart?” Along with allowing “advisers” help us make these decisions especially the ones that will have a tremendous impact on our lives, comes the word “TRUST”. Ask yourself this question, “Can you trust this person enough that you know without the shadow of a doubt that they are looking out for you? “

These past two years I have made a lot of decisions on a whim some of them good and some of them bad but in stepping back to reflect on what decisions I have made God has shown me the beauty of trusting him to “advise” me in making the right decisions for my life because only he knows what lies ahead of me. Listen to what God has to say in Jeremiah 29:11-14.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes…..” (NLT).

There it is, straight out of his word. In reading this verse God assured me that if I trust in his plans for my life by allowing him and his Holy Spirit to guide me in making the right decisions that no “disaster” would befall me and that I had a future full of hope as long as I would seek him in prayer “wholeheartedly”. It is only when I take it upon myself to step out of his plans that things go awry. But I will be honest with you, seeking God in everything I do and every decision I make has not come easy, especially for me. It has only been in the last year in my walk with God that he has shown me through prayer and seeking his will for my life that his thoughts are higher than my thoughts; his ways are higher than my ways. (Isaiah 55:8-9), he has shown me that only he knew what was ahead of me and that every decision I make without his guidance can only bring about disaster in my future I have learned to trust God to guide me in making the right decisions, because he has shown me time and time again through various circumstances that he has my best interest at heart. Gods interest in wanting what’s best for my life does not come out of selfish motives but one brought about by his unconditional love for me. In my walk with him, God has become the one “adviser” I can trust, the one that I go to for every decision whether big or small I make in my life and even in writing this God has reminded me that the best decision I could have ever made was this:

TO LET GO….AND LET GOD….

An Imperfect reflection made perfect

This is actually something I wrote back in Aug of 2006...amazing how God works...never knew the true reason God put this on my heart to write this then but I understand now....

When I think back to where my life was, and where it is now I am truly amazed at God's mercy and forgiveness, at where he has brought me from and what he has brought me to. So here I am at 30, about to turn 31 and am now just beginning to understand a part of where my journey is leading me. Along this journey, though still a very tough one, I have been shown the value of loving and accepting myself as I have been created, with all my imperfections and with all my faults. I have learned to count every victory and even every defeat as all joy by continuously praising him no matter what the circumstance I encounter. (James 1:2-4) I have learned that there is a purpose for everything about me. A purpose that not even I understand, a purpose that only one person in my life can understand and see, because he is the one who has set my path, the one who has ordered my steps, the one who has breathed the breath of life into me, creating me with imperfections for a reason that I cannot even begin to fathom. For even with my human flaws and imperfections I am perfect in his eyes. So God, my Father, my creator, this is dedicated to you….

In my journey over these past few months, I have struggled to understand why my life was at a standstill, why I had felt a loneliness I had never felt before, why those I thought I could trust with the sacred innermost feelings of my heart were nowhere to be found when I was at the lowest point in my life, (Psalm 118:8) and why I must go through this journey. I have often asked myself, "What is the purpose, where is God leading me??? My struggles to understand have become tiresome, very difficult at times, and discouraging, but through this struggle to keep walking I have found a peace only given to me by God, a peace that came with the understanding that I am a perfect creation in his eyes, that after every storm comes a rainbow of Gods promise of a new life to me. That as a human I will continue to make mistakes but that it's just a matter of picking myself up and moving ahead by continuously seeking God first. I know that I have made some costly mistakes, some that have distanced me from God, some that have hurt those who truly did care, and some that have caused me to question this journey and my purpose. Mistakes I know I could never take back, only move forward from, but you see that's just it, therein lies the beauty of being a child of God, I am allowed by his mercy to move forward along this path with his hand of protection on me and the continuous mercies of his grace. Guided by a deep love and desire to seek Gods face and guidance in everything, to make what was wrong, right in a imperfect world, I have made my appropriate apologies to those people I have hurt and I have distanced myself from those things and people that continue to hurt me and in the same token, have forgiven them as well. For it is Jesus who has taught me to love and forgive those who have hurt you, to turn the other cheek when you have been slapped in the face, just as he forgave me by dying for me on the cross. I have made mistakes due to my imperfections but the Lord continues to love me, forgive me, and still be there to guide me through this difficult journey.

As I sit and write this, tears streaming down my face, I am thankful for God's grace and mercy and even for the hurt caused by the trials and tribulations I have experienced. I praise God everyday for allowing me to walk through this hurt in my life. For it is through this hurt that God has shown me in this time I have spent alone with him, that I am purposed to serve him...to take the love I have learned in loving myself, my friends, and yes, even those who have deeply hurt me and keep walking in the light of God's love as he continues to show me that with all my imperfections and flaws, I am his perfect creation and that he has created me for a greater purpose . For now as I walk through this journey with humility and obedience, I truly believe that as I continue to seek God daily he will bless me as he orders my steps into a new beginning in him...

The start of a new year...

So here I am and I just turned 35 a few weeks ago...oh boy I thought to myself, 35 where did my life go and what do I have to show for it. The week prior to my birthday I was in this deep in thought mode trying to figure out what went wrong, why my life wasn't where it was supposed to be or where I wanted it to be. You see I had envisioned myself so long ago being married, having kids and a caring, loving supportive husband that I absolutely adored and that absolutely adored me, kind of that all American white picket fence story. But did that happen I think not! I had told myself a few years ago that if I wasn't where I wanted to be by the time I turn this lovely age I would begin re-evaluating my life and start throwing the "trash" out.

Well let me tell you here I am two weeks after my birthday and its been crazy. And so the trash throwing has begun...the people in my life that have caused me grief and nothing but heartache and pain no longer "exist " to me because to me they bring nothing but garbage to my life. I know this may seem harsh but I really don't see the point in prolonging pain or suffering if I can make a conscious choice not to. I just don't see the point.

So here I go off to another year of finding out who I am changing the things that haven't worked in the past and keeping the things in my life that have. This is a new year and a new beginning lets see where it leads...